Speyside Specialities
STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL
Dear Speyside Specialities Employee,
Haggis are particularly illusive creatures who are
rarely seen and often misunderstood. Having roamed the remote Scottish
Highlands for centuries, they are amongst the world’s oldest animal species.
Very skittish, quick and known for their stealth-like qualities, haggis can be
very hard to catch. This is why most humans never get to see haggis in their
natural habitat.
As one of the UK’s largest supermarket suppliers of
haggis, Speyside Specialities employs only highly trained haggis hunters. This
confidential document unveils the secret top tips for successful haggis hunting
- ensuring our customers enjoy our national dish on Burns Night along with
their neeps and tatties.
After cracking the code to release the hunting ground
coordinates from our company safe, ensure you adhere to the following:
1.
Haggis are known
to have one set of legs longer than the other to climb hills with ease. Females
are known to have longer legs on the right, whilst males have longer legs on
the left. This occurs so that males and females are more likely to meet whilst
roaming the hills. Catching haggis out with trip wires has proved successful.
2.
Haggis are very
smart and are able to deceive hunters. It is because of this that you must
emulate the call of the haggis – only used when haggis are happy and safe in
the knowledge they are in no immediate danger. To adopt this calling technique,
simply cup your hands around your mouth and emulate the drone of a small set of
bagpipes.
3.
Haggis have a
great sense of smell – especially when it comes to the scent of a human being.
In order to hunt a haggis you must ensure that you do not smell ‘human’. The
best method of masking your smell is to rub all clothing and exposed skin with
a mixture of whisky and left over mashed tattie. N.B: Only genuine Scotch
whisky will work.
4.
There are two
species of the haggis – the lowland and the highland. Their distinctive
markings – grey stripes on the lowland and grey spots on the highland – are
easily observed. The lowland also tends to have a much broader accent, while
the highland has a much thicker coat – naturally evolved due to the harsh
environments presented in the highlands.
Happy Haggis Hunting – and remember, the British
public are relying on you.
Yours Sincerely,
David Lawson
Managing Director
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